Leila

6/14/2019

Leila sprang into my memory today out of nowhere.  We had met a few years ago and I found her company to be exceptional.  She was the type of free spirited person who had no barriers to be studied and analyzed and no plan of attack to gain her acquaintance was needed.  She simply was who she appeared to be, a person very comfortable with who she was. Who did not feel the need to create a public persona that would be any different from what the private person is. Yet there was more, an intangible quality that pulled at me and transfixed me into one thought, I want to be with this person, this Leila.  Everything she said, however mundane, was intriguing. Not because of what it was but because she said it.

I felt that pull when I first saw her and we exchanged glances a few times before we spoke.  When she told me her name, “Leila” she said, I knew she would be special. I knew that a woman who, by mere accident, possessed a name that I had reserved for my daughter at the the time she would have been born but never had a chance to use.  The name “Leila” meant the night and the night was always my time of serenity when I pondered the enumerable possibilities the world had presented. A time when I could think through the possibilities of a future that never seems to have worked out exactly as I had imagined.  When I met Leila, may faith was restored. The faith that there was still hope that I will attain the future that I so desired, a future that I hungered for. A future I would share with someone who made everything surmountable as long as she is by my side. Leila and I were so at ease with each other It seemed impossible that there could be anything that can stop us from being together.

So when she mentioned the husband, I was crushed.  I had been wondering about her personal status but felt the time was too early to inquire.  I guess she must have felt my thoughts and broke the news to me in her gentle casual way by simply inserting a mention of the husband in the course of a normal conversation.  The notion of a husband crushed me. The husband was a barrier of immense proportions. A barrier I can not overcome and I will have to make a choice. Do I accept the most amazing woman to have walked into my life as a friend and spend, what appeared at the moment to be every waking moment of the rest of my life, wondering at what could have been or do I simply end all conceptions of a possibility of a relationship and return to my normal routines.

I mentioned nothing of my thoughts to Leila.  She need not know how I felt or else she might be compelled make my decision for me. Whatever that may be, I was sure I would not like it..

I have always had a difficult time meeting women whose company I enjoyed and with whom a relationship that advanced past friendship can be built.  I had always known in a really short time after meeting someone new if anything will develop between us. Usually after a few glances, sometimes it took a smile and the exchange of a few words.  Somehow the women who entered my life have always been successful of letting me know how they felt within seconds of our first encounter. Leila was no different in that respect. What made her different was the timing.  Leila was the first woman who I felt this strong connection with since my wife’s passing. I had dated a few women and even became engaged to one but I sabotaged all of those relationships. I knew they were wrong for me. I did not feel the connection to those wonderful ladies who I should ask for forgiveness except I am too much a coward to admit what  I may have done.

The connection with Leila was real.  But there is the matter of the husband.  Would I dare try to sabotage her marriage for my own benefit? While that was a possibility, it was not a real one. I lived my life with a certain code. A code that I should cause no harm to anyone regardless of the benefit I may receive from doing so.  I did not have any desire to cause unhappiness in anyone’s life and in order to destroy her marriage I would have to convince her that she is truly unhappy even if she did not know it.  Insert doubt where no doubt once existed. I could not do that. If she is unhappy, she must recognize that on her own and the decision must be made by her alone. It's the only possibility I can accept.  It is the only means by which I can achieve my own true happiness.

I decided that she was too precious to give up on.  I will be a friend. We will meet for coffee and possibly lunches sometimes and we will talk and I will enjoy her company.  That appeared to be the only sensible solution to my dilemma. For some time it worked. We would chat, mostly texting and arrange for us to meet at convenient times.  The times and places where not really all that convenient for me, but I enjoyed her company so much that I did not object and claimed convenience. Our little meetings where most enjoyable and I found myself always looking forward to the next arrangement for the next meeting.  Trouble was coming.

Trouble comes when, in the still of the night, I wake up with a sullen heart.  I overestimated my own ability to self control. I am thinking about Leila all the time.  I am driving myself insane thinking about the means by which I will try to break her from the husband, that I’m not sure she loved but to whom she certainly had grown accustomed.  Can I do this. Can I confess my true feelings and see how she may react. It can’t be good. At best, I will throw her life in doubt. I can't do that to someone I claim to love. I must find my way out.  So now I answer messages with brief, dry responses that convey no emotions and after a few exchanges of the new style of dialog she stopped texting me and I never texted her again.

I know nothing of what has become of Leila.  I have a single picture of her that I look at longingly on occasion and tell myself that I did the right thing.  Somehow, that does not make me feel better.