My condition is deteriorating. Coherent thought is no longer with me. I am confused by the slightest change in my surroundings. I cannot comprehend what anything is. I don't remember anything exactly as it was. There are eddies in my brain that appear out of nowhere and the swirl is creating void spots where thought should reside and precipitating massive confusion in my mental state. Have I gone mad?
.Marie came to visit me today. Her presence was unwelcome. She was as pleasant as ever, with that fake smile that she does so well and is only betrayed by the lie emanating from deep within her eyes. I like her, she is a pleasant company and good enough to pass the time but not today, not in my present condition. I knew I could never trust her but in my current state the fear magnifies that I should forget that rule I established the day I met her. The lie is buried deep inside her. She will never trust me with the pain that walls that lie and I can never trust her in return. In my current state I might be swept up in the external pleasantries and allow her into my head and into a world that I held sacred for far too long. She will destroy my world.
I went for a walk in the swaying path along the lake with the hopes of waking up. The heavy mist hung in the air and suffocated rather than refreshed me today. The mist rubbed against me like the hot sands of the desert that burned my skin when I was younger. This lake, intended to create a romantic and peaceful escape, carefully manicured with trees, grass and shrubs, every curve and bend in the path is carefully designed, the fountains in the center recycling the water and creating what is supposed to be a soothing whisper of a sound can only remind me of the desert of my youth. The air was still as if it could not penetrate the mist. The trees stood silent, with drooping branches and leaves held stiffly in place they seemed to be more a product of a wax artist that a product of nature. The sun was still hidden from view but announced its imminent arrival with the twilight that preceded her.
I sat on a bench along the path, I felt tired and could not move my legs through the heavy mist. Those tiny droplets of water that invigorated me in past walks now hung in midair like rocks defying gravity. I lit a cigarette and fixed my gaze onto the lake. A silver line with a pale orange trim shone above the horizon dividing the coming day from the preceding night. clouds of varying shades of gray with yellowed edges from the coming sun scattered throughout the sky. I am trying to spot any motion in the lake, The ripples of water seemed stationary. Has the world frozen around me? Am I the only thing that has any sense of time? While I sat wondering at the stillness of all things around me I recalled the message I received from Misty yesterday. Dearest, I will be in town next week or the one after. Would love to see you again and catch up. I loved Misty once, I suspect I still do but I am unsure of what it is she wants with me. I asked her once and she said she does not know. You keep me calms and help me regain my balance she said once. I'm not sure how I accomplished that. I hardly spoke, she told me stories of her adventures and I listened as intently as I could. The stories were interesting enough of their own but they held no relevance to me or my life. At the end she would leave; don't forget me she would playfully say and give me a kiss on the cheek and disappear from my life until the next time she needs to regain her balance and she sends me a message.
That time is soon, next week or the one after. I don't think I will see her this time. I will fabricate a plausible excuse why I can't. I can't let her see me in this condition. I am not sure how she would regain her calm and re-balance if she sees me now. Yes, I will not go. Ill tell her I'm sick and regret not being able to see her. A bird flew over the water and distracted me from my thoughts. I raised my head and realized the noises of nature had returned and the city has come to life. Sounds of birds and cars filled the air, the smell of blooming flowers intermingled with the pollution stirred by the vehicles scurrying people and the mist that filled my nose, an airplane flew overhead. The light has won and there are no traces of the previous night. The mist hung weakened by the rays of the sun but still struggling to remain where it was. How long have I been sitting there thinking about Misty? I looked around me and saw that I had smoked five cigarettes while sitting on the bench. I don't recall smoking the first one. What is happening to me? I stood up and walked back to my house. I definitely cannot allow Misty to see me in this condition.
I'm having breakfast with Marie. She just showed up this morning and said she was hungry so I made breakfast. We're eating and she is excitedly describing in every detail how she went dancing in the rain the previous afternoon. How free she felt and how she regretted not doing it before. As she went on blabbering with no care if I, or anyone else, listened, my phone beeped of a message. I picked it up and it was from Misty will get in town tonight. Breakfast tomorrow, same place? I remembered my decision from the park bench and started to type my excuse but somehow the words of course materialized on the screen and I pressed send. I am overcome with panic over the commitment I just made. What would I do now. I have to go and she will see what I have become. She will see right through the facade I built so successfully in the past. She will not be calmed and might become more agitated. What have I done? Are you OK? Marie asked. The question seemed foreign to me. Of course I am not. Is this girl crazy? Can't she see what has happened? Yes I am, I calmly said but I need to leave soon, I;m running late to work. She knew I was lying but accommodated me. She stood up, kissed my cheek and said with a saddened voice Don't forget me as she left.
Did Marie just use these words.? Am I confused? Was is Marie or Misty who always ended our meetings with those words? I know it was Misty. I heard her say them so many times and each one of those times I thought about how blessed I would be if I could forget her. I loved her and I will never have more than a memory of her for the rest of my life. How about Marie? I don't love her and if she did not make herself present in my world I would not think about her. If this breakfast is the last I see of her, I will never think of her or miss her. But now, she used these words and I might never be able to extricate her from my memory. Why did she say those words? I would think about Marie the rest of the day through the confusion her words created I kept wondering what a simpleton I must be, all someone has to do to stay in my memory is to ask me not to forget them.. I am ridiculous, of course I will forget Marie if I so chose.
I woke up early today. It was still night but he dim night light made the door visible and I had a path to the kitchen to make my coffee. I dragged myself out of the comfort of my bed and into the cold and started to shuffle along towards the door. Halfway across the room, I saw someone walking along side me. As I turned my head to look him and he turned his head to look at me, I could not recognize him. I carefully walked closer and my opposite walked just as carefully closer to me. The grotesque, unlovable image reflected in the mirror looks familiar but I do not recognize it. I am stricken by panic. If I can't recognize myself, how will Misty recognize me today. I pulled my phone and found a picture Misty had taken of me fifteen months earlier when we had last met. She had taken that picture in the early morning hours before she needed to leave, she said it was to remind her of me while she was away. My face is oscillating between the picture and the mirror. Is this the same person? Is there enough similarity that I would be recognized. I zoom into the eyes, the nose, the ears, the small dimple on my chin, the grooves on my forehead and carefully compared them to the image looking back at me through the mirror. Everything is the same. I zoom back out and compare the whole and it looks different. Have my parts moved around in such ways as to create a different impression. Everything is in the proper place, but the combination appears to have changed. I cannot waste more time looking at this picture and the reflection in the mirror. I went to the kitchen, made my coffee and started my preparations for the coming day. This whole time, Marie's last words kept coming back to haunt me.
I walk into the cafe and Misty is waiting for me. She looks exactly the same as she did those fifteen months ago, the same smile that penetrated me the day we met is still worn on her face but assumed a higher degree of sincerity. Her eyes have merged with her smile creating a halo of light that surrounded her. As I approached, she stood up. She has gained a few pounds of weight that seems to have added to her beauty rather than detract from it. She came around the table, leaned towards me and gave me a kiss with hands wrapped around my hips. I kissed her back, put my arms around her and did not want to let go. We stood in position, staring into each other's eyes, neither one of us wanting to let go but realizing that we must. She pulled me closer, rested her head on my chest and squeezed as hard as she could before she leaned back, looked at me and excitedly said there is someone I want you to meet. this was a jolt, I did not expect anyone else to be with us and she certainly did not mention anyone else in the message. She stepped back, turned slightly and pointed at the chair next to her and said Ta da. I looked to where she had pointed and there was a baby nestled in a sleeper in the chair next to where she sat, my usual spot. The baby looked at me with the exact smile that greeted me as I entered and with eyes as happy as the ones I had been lost in for the last few moments. I am overcome with fearful joy. My mind quickly made a calculation take nine months for the pregnancy from the fifteen months when I had last seen Misty and this baby appears to be around the right age to be mine. Could she be mine?
I am staring at the baby trying to find any resemblance to the features I studies so closely in the mirror this morning but could find none. She appeared as a miniaturized copy of Misty. Same green eyes, same flowing blond hair, same lips, mouth, ears.. Everything that is Misty. There are no traces of any man in that infant girl. We sat down and Misty could see the question in my eyes. She quickly announced She's not yours. I don't know if I am relieved or angry. I fell in love with this little girl as fast as I had fallen in love with her mother so many years ago and now I am faced with the potential to see her as infrequently as I see her mother. Who's the dad? I questioned. I am quickly told the story of a regretted encounter Misty had in Berlin one week after we had departed with a man whose name she cannot recall. How she later realized she might be pregnant a couple of weeks later and once her suspicions were confirmed she made the appointment to abort the pregnancy. In the clinic, she was scared and alone, wondering if her condition was an accident or divine intervention. She had no interest in having a child, and she did not believe in the divine. She always maintained that position with absolute resoluteness. But now, she is pregnant and she is about to change that which she did not want and did not expect. I was afraid of the future a child will bring to my life. No more freedom, no more waking up and just doing what I want. I will have to be concerned at all times with the well being of another human being, and that will be forever she said. Of course was the only reply I could muster before she continued but the fear was even worse when I considered the alternative. That my life should be wasted. That when I grow old and my energy fails, when love should leave me, I will be left with nothing, alone and sad, reliving the memories of my youth and pitying myself the way I pity others until I can remember nothing and feel nothing. In a moment, she made the decision to keep the child. Left the clinic never to look back. How do you feel about your decision now? I asked. Could not be happier. My little girl, Ana, has brought me more joy than all the travels and all the adventures I thought I was born for. I am a lot more tired, but it's a cost well worth bearing. We chatted a little longer and I could sense the pleasure she felt in her heart. She had a sense of serenity around her that I had never seen before. She realized she did not need me but only needed to find herself. I am more in love with her now than I have ever been.
Suddenly, her eyes swelled with tears as she has come to a realization of a truth that she had refused to accept. You know I love you, I've always loved you... The hesitation in her voice gave away that there is more to follow. More that she is still reluctant to make audible. I've always loved you too I gently answered to break the blanket of silence that has now separated us. But you know that I can never be with you, she continued. I've left you so many times resolved to put as much distance between us as I could, but always came back to you. With you, I could see how far I have traveled, and how close you always remained. Always in my thoughts and by my side and I always had to come back to the one fixed thing that I knew will be there, unavoidable, real, present yet unknown. My eyes are fixed on her as she spoke. I know exactly what she meant but I had no response. I'm not sure what a response would be. Anything I say will be untrue. I can't promise her that I will change, she knows that will be a lie. And if I made this promise, what would I change into? I can't possibly show her the person I become when she is near me. She cannot possibly be in love with the mangled web of confusion, uncertainty, and insecurities that lay hidden behind the cold words and steely eyes. She makes me weak. She makes me human. She makes me alive. I can't ask her to accept me as I am, I would be asking her to enter into a lie. I remain quite, just looking at her, cold as ever. She cannot see past the veneer that of foam and cardboard that projected from my face and she cannot see the tears pouring backwards into my soul. She cannot see the lump forming in my throat and the migraine all that is causing. She cannot see it and I cannot allow her to see it. She's no longer trying to hold back the tears. Finally, she looked at Ana and smiled at the sleeping baby. She turned her head towards me I don't need you anymore, she pointing her chin at Ana is my fixed point now. I will measure myself by her and I will have to be the fixed point for her. The person she will always come back to for affirmation and reassurance about who she is.
As we parted ways, she leaned over, kissed me and said I will never forget you. The last goodbye when the words changed. That was her way of ensuring that I understood that I shall never see her again. That I am no longer needed in her life but will remain a memory. Somehow, I did not experience any sadness at my loss. I was happy that she has finally settled her mind and was driven by something real. I was relieved that I no longer will have to encounter the weak and confused person that I am. I will never see her again but I know she will live the experience that will being her true happiness. My brain is a little less foggy, my thoughts are considerably calmer. My heart is at peace and I am dead again.
Marie is talking about something or another but my mind is fixed on Misty. Her departure marked an end. I will never see her again. I will never meet anyone like her again. I will never have to relive those horrifying moments again. Marie is still here Can I ask you a question? She said and without waiting for an answer she continued How is it that you never tell me that you love me? Because I don't I dryly answered. Her eyes flooded with tears you are the nicest man I know but at times like this you can be so crude and inconsiderate. I don't know what to say. I was not expecting the tears. I did not prepare myself for that reaction and I am not certain why I answered her in such a harsh manner. I'm sorry but I don't think lying to you would be a good thing for either of us. I don't love you. I enjoy your company but you don't inspire me to share my life and my thoughts with you. I said that with a certain amount of hesitation on my part. Am I describing her or am I describing myself?. Misty inspired me to feel what I could not share. Marie stood up, I don't think I'm going to be coming by anymore she told me. That's fine was all I could manage for a response. We stood looking at each other, there are no words that can form a conversation of any kind at this point. The existing words did not suffice, the words that can describe the moment have yet to be created, Marie looked at me with a smile inverted and puppy's eyes asking, begging for a change of heart. I shrugged my shoulders in an attempt to apologize, but it may have been a sign that I just did not care. Marie left and I was alone.
I went into my bedroom and sat on my chair. It needs to be replaced but I can't get myself to be rid of it. The large ugly brown chair with fabric stained in places and torn in others. It spun at some point in time but somewhere over the years, the axle was broken and it is just sitting there now, facing the one direction, unable to move. I sat in my chair, lit a cigarette and started to read the last chapter of a book I had intended on finishing weeks ago.
There was a sense of relief in me brought about by the knowledge that Marie will not be coming around anymore. Marie and I where never going to be able to make each other happy, we were the same person, we could never trust anyone with the pain we held so tightly. I lost Misty to that pain and Marie lost me. There comes a time in every person life where he has to choose one of two impossible alternatives. trying to change themselves or the people around them in a futile attempt to forge a happiness that will never come or accept themselves for who they are and face the possibility of living a lonely, desolate existence but be content with the happiness that is born with that acceptance. The next morning I woke up early. As I am walking to the kitchen for my beloved coffee, I glanced at the mirror halfway through my room and I could see myself. Clear and unambiguous, this is who I am. I know who I am. The mist is lifted and I once again have clarity of in my life.
.Marie came to visit me today. Her presence was unwelcome. She was as pleasant as ever, with that fake smile that she does so well and is only betrayed by the lie emanating from deep within her eyes. I like her, she is a pleasant company and good enough to pass the time but not today, not in my present condition. I knew I could never trust her but in my current state the fear magnifies that I should forget that rule I established the day I met her. The lie is buried deep inside her. She will never trust me with the pain that walls that lie and I can never trust her in return. In my current state I might be swept up in the external pleasantries and allow her into my head and into a world that I held sacred for far too long. She will destroy my world.
I went for a walk in the swaying path along the lake with the hopes of waking up. The heavy mist hung in the air and suffocated rather than refreshed me today. The mist rubbed against me like the hot sands of the desert that burned my skin when I was younger. This lake, intended to create a romantic and peaceful escape, carefully manicured with trees, grass and shrubs, every curve and bend in the path is carefully designed, the fountains in the center recycling the water and creating what is supposed to be a soothing whisper of a sound can only remind me of the desert of my youth. The air was still as if it could not penetrate the mist. The trees stood silent, with drooping branches and leaves held stiffly in place they seemed to be more a product of a wax artist that a product of nature. The sun was still hidden from view but announced its imminent arrival with the twilight that preceded her.
I sat on a bench along the path, I felt tired and could not move my legs through the heavy mist. Those tiny droplets of water that invigorated me in past walks now hung in midair like rocks defying gravity. I lit a cigarette and fixed my gaze onto the lake. A silver line with a pale orange trim shone above the horizon dividing the coming day from the preceding night. clouds of varying shades of gray with yellowed edges from the coming sun scattered throughout the sky. I am trying to spot any motion in the lake, The ripples of water seemed stationary. Has the world frozen around me? Am I the only thing that has any sense of time? While I sat wondering at the stillness of all things around me I recalled the message I received from Misty yesterday. Dearest, I will be in town next week or the one after. Would love to see you again and catch up. I loved Misty once, I suspect I still do but I am unsure of what it is she wants with me. I asked her once and she said she does not know. You keep me calms and help me regain my balance she said once. I'm not sure how I accomplished that. I hardly spoke, she told me stories of her adventures and I listened as intently as I could. The stories were interesting enough of their own but they held no relevance to me or my life. At the end she would leave; don't forget me she would playfully say and give me a kiss on the cheek and disappear from my life until the next time she needs to regain her balance and she sends me a message.
That time is soon, next week or the one after. I don't think I will see her this time. I will fabricate a plausible excuse why I can't. I can't let her see me in this condition. I am not sure how she would regain her calm and re-balance if she sees me now. Yes, I will not go. Ill tell her I'm sick and regret not being able to see her. A bird flew over the water and distracted me from my thoughts. I raised my head and realized the noises of nature had returned and the city has come to life. Sounds of birds and cars filled the air, the smell of blooming flowers intermingled with the pollution stirred by the vehicles scurrying people and the mist that filled my nose, an airplane flew overhead. The light has won and there are no traces of the previous night. The mist hung weakened by the rays of the sun but still struggling to remain where it was. How long have I been sitting there thinking about Misty? I looked around me and saw that I had smoked five cigarettes while sitting on the bench. I don't recall smoking the first one. What is happening to me? I stood up and walked back to my house. I definitely cannot allow Misty to see me in this condition.
I'm having breakfast with Marie. She just showed up this morning and said she was hungry so I made breakfast. We're eating and she is excitedly describing in every detail how she went dancing in the rain the previous afternoon. How free she felt and how she regretted not doing it before. As she went on blabbering with no care if I, or anyone else, listened, my phone beeped of a message. I picked it up and it was from Misty will get in town tonight. Breakfast tomorrow, same place? I remembered my decision from the park bench and started to type my excuse but somehow the words of course materialized on the screen and I pressed send. I am overcome with panic over the commitment I just made. What would I do now. I have to go and she will see what I have become. She will see right through the facade I built so successfully in the past. She will not be calmed and might become more agitated. What have I done? Are you OK? Marie asked. The question seemed foreign to me. Of course I am not. Is this girl crazy? Can't she see what has happened? Yes I am, I calmly said but I need to leave soon, I;m running late to work. She knew I was lying but accommodated me. She stood up, kissed my cheek and said with a saddened voice Don't forget me as she left.
Did Marie just use these words.? Am I confused? Was is Marie or Misty who always ended our meetings with those words? I know it was Misty. I heard her say them so many times and each one of those times I thought about how blessed I would be if I could forget her. I loved her and I will never have more than a memory of her for the rest of my life. How about Marie? I don't love her and if she did not make herself present in my world I would not think about her. If this breakfast is the last I see of her, I will never think of her or miss her. But now, she used these words and I might never be able to extricate her from my memory. Why did she say those words? I would think about Marie the rest of the day through the confusion her words created I kept wondering what a simpleton I must be, all someone has to do to stay in my memory is to ask me not to forget them.. I am ridiculous, of course I will forget Marie if I so chose.
I woke up early today. It was still night but he dim night light made the door visible and I had a path to the kitchen to make my coffee. I dragged myself out of the comfort of my bed and into the cold and started to shuffle along towards the door. Halfway across the room, I saw someone walking along side me. As I turned my head to look him and he turned his head to look at me, I could not recognize him. I carefully walked closer and my opposite walked just as carefully closer to me. The grotesque, unlovable image reflected in the mirror looks familiar but I do not recognize it. I am stricken by panic. If I can't recognize myself, how will Misty recognize me today. I pulled my phone and found a picture Misty had taken of me fifteen months earlier when we had last met. She had taken that picture in the early morning hours before she needed to leave, she said it was to remind her of me while she was away. My face is oscillating between the picture and the mirror. Is this the same person? Is there enough similarity that I would be recognized. I zoom into the eyes, the nose, the ears, the small dimple on my chin, the grooves on my forehead and carefully compared them to the image looking back at me through the mirror. Everything is the same. I zoom back out and compare the whole and it looks different. Have my parts moved around in such ways as to create a different impression. Everything is in the proper place, but the combination appears to have changed. I cannot waste more time looking at this picture and the reflection in the mirror. I went to the kitchen, made my coffee and started my preparations for the coming day. This whole time, Marie's last words kept coming back to haunt me.
I walk into the cafe and Misty is waiting for me. She looks exactly the same as she did those fifteen months ago, the same smile that penetrated me the day we met is still worn on her face but assumed a higher degree of sincerity. Her eyes have merged with her smile creating a halo of light that surrounded her. As I approached, she stood up. She has gained a few pounds of weight that seems to have added to her beauty rather than detract from it. She came around the table, leaned towards me and gave me a kiss with hands wrapped around my hips. I kissed her back, put my arms around her and did not want to let go. We stood in position, staring into each other's eyes, neither one of us wanting to let go but realizing that we must. She pulled me closer, rested her head on my chest and squeezed as hard as she could before she leaned back, looked at me and excitedly said there is someone I want you to meet. this was a jolt, I did not expect anyone else to be with us and she certainly did not mention anyone else in the message. She stepped back, turned slightly and pointed at the chair next to her and said Ta da. I looked to where she had pointed and there was a baby nestled in a sleeper in the chair next to where she sat, my usual spot. The baby looked at me with the exact smile that greeted me as I entered and with eyes as happy as the ones I had been lost in for the last few moments. I am overcome with fearful joy. My mind quickly made a calculation take nine months for the pregnancy from the fifteen months when I had last seen Misty and this baby appears to be around the right age to be mine. Could she be mine?
I am staring at the baby trying to find any resemblance to the features I studies so closely in the mirror this morning but could find none. She appeared as a miniaturized copy of Misty. Same green eyes, same flowing blond hair, same lips, mouth, ears.. Everything that is Misty. There are no traces of any man in that infant girl. We sat down and Misty could see the question in my eyes. She quickly announced She's not yours. I don't know if I am relieved or angry. I fell in love with this little girl as fast as I had fallen in love with her mother so many years ago and now I am faced with the potential to see her as infrequently as I see her mother. Who's the dad? I questioned. I am quickly told the story of a regretted encounter Misty had in Berlin one week after we had departed with a man whose name she cannot recall. How she later realized she might be pregnant a couple of weeks later and once her suspicions were confirmed she made the appointment to abort the pregnancy. In the clinic, she was scared and alone, wondering if her condition was an accident or divine intervention. She had no interest in having a child, and she did not believe in the divine. She always maintained that position with absolute resoluteness. But now, she is pregnant and she is about to change that which she did not want and did not expect. I was afraid of the future a child will bring to my life. No more freedom, no more waking up and just doing what I want. I will have to be concerned at all times with the well being of another human being, and that will be forever she said. Of course was the only reply I could muster before she continued but the fear was even worse when I considered the alternative. That my life should be wasted. That when I grow old and my energy fails, when love should leave me, I will be left with nothing, alone and sad, reliving the memories of my youth and pitying myself the way I pity others until I can remember nothing and feel nothing. In a moment, she made the decision to keep the child. Left the clinic never to look back. How do you feel about your decision now? I asked. Could not be happier. My little girl, Ana, has brought me more joy than all the travels and all the adventures I thought I was born for. I am a lot more tired, but it's a cost well worth bearing. We chatted a little longer and I could sense the pleasure she felt in her heart. She had a sense of serenity around her that I had never seen before. She realized she did not need me but only needed to find herself. I am more in love with her now than I have ever been.
Suddenly, her eyes swelled with tears as she has come to a realization of a truth that she had refused to accept. You know I love you, I've always loved you... The hesitation in her voice gave away that there is more to follow. More that she is still reluctant to make audible. I've always loved you too I gently answered to break the blanket of silence that has now separated us. But you know that I can never be with you, she continued. I've left you so many times resolved to put as much distance between us as I could, but always came back to you. With you, I could see how far I have traveled, and how close you always remained. Always in my thoughts and by my side and I always had to come back to the one fixed thing that I knew will be there, unavoidable, real, present yet unknown. My eyes are fixed on her as she spoke. I know exactly what she meant but I had no response. I'm not sure what a response would be. Anything I say will be untrue. I can't promise her that I will change, she knows that will be a lie. And if I made this promise, what would I change into? I can't possibly show her the person I become when she is near me. She cannot possibly be in love with the mangled web of confusion, uncertainty, and insecurities that lay hidden behind the cold words and steely eyes. She makes me weak. She makes me human. She makes me alive. I can't ask her to accept me as I am, I would be asking her to enter into a lie. I remain quite, just looking at her, cold as ever. She cannot see past the veneer that of foam and cardboard that projected from my face and she cannot see the tears pouring backwards into my soul. She cannot see the lump forming in my throat and the migraine all that is causing. She cannot see it and I cannot allow her to see it. She's no longer trying to hold back the tears. Finally, she looked at Ana and smiled at the sleeping baby. She turned her head towards me I don't need you anymore, she pointing her chin at Ana is my fixed point now. I will measure myself by her and I will have to be the fixed point for her. The person she will always come back to for affirmation and reassurance about who she is.
As we parted ways, she leaned over, kissed me and said I will never forget you. The last goodbye when the words changed. That was her way of ensuring that I understood that I shall never see her again. That I am no longer needed in her life but will remain a memory. Somehow, I did not experience any sadness at my loss. I was happy that she has finally settled her mind and was driven by something real. I was relieved that I no longer will have to encounter the weak and confused person that I am. I will never see her again but I know she will live the experience that will being her true happiness. My brain is a little less foggy, my thoughts are considerably calmer. My heart is at peace and I am dead again.
Marie is talking about something or another but my mind is fixed on Misty. Her departure marked an end. I will never see her again. I will never meet anyone like her again. I will never have to relive those horrifying moments again. Marie is still here Can I ask you a question? She said and without waiting for an answer she continued How is it that you never tell me that you love me? Because I don't I dryly answered. Her eyes flooded with tears you are the nicest man I know but at times like this you can be so crude and inconsiderate. I don't know what to say. I was not expecting the tears. I did not prepare myself for that reaction and I am not certain why I answered her in such a harsh manner. I'm sorry but I don't think lying to you would be a good thing for either of us. I don't love you. I enjoy your company but you don't inspire me to share my life and my thoughts with you. I said that with a certain amount of hesitation on my part. Am I describing her or am I describing myself?. Misty inspired me to feel what I could not share. Marie stood up, I don't think I'm going to be coming by anymore she told me. That's fine was all I could manage for a response. We stood looking at each other, there are no words that can form a conversation of any kind at this point. The existing words did not suffice, the words that can describe the moment have yet to be created, Marie looked at me with a smile inverted and puppy's eyes asking, begging for a change of heart. I shrugged my shoulders in an attempt to apologize, but it may have been a sign that I just did not care. Marie left and I was alone.
I went into my bedroom and sat on my chair. It needs to be replaced but I can't get myself to be rid of it. The large ugly brown chair with fabric stained in places and torn in others. It spun at some point in time but somewhere over the years, the axle was broken and it is just sitting there now, facing the one direction, unable to move. I sat in my chair, lit a cigarette and started to read the last chapter of a book I had intended on finishing weeks ago.
There was a sense of relief in me brought about by the knowledge that Marie will not be coming around anymore. Marie and I where never going to be able to make each other happy, we were the same person, we could never trust anyone with the pain we held so tightly. I lost Misty to that pain and Marie lost me. There comes a time in every person life where he has to choose one of two impossible alternatives. trying to change themselves or the people around them in a futile attempt to forge a happiness that will never come or accept themselves for who they are and face the possibility of living a lonely, desolate existence but be content with the happiness that is born with that acceptance. The next morning I woke up early. As I am walking to the kitchen for my beloved coffee, I glanced at the mirror halfway through my room and I could see myself. Clear and unambiguous, this is who I am. I know who I am. The mist is lifted and I once again have clarity of in my life.
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